breathe. just breathe.

Hindsight

I see it now
It never would have worked
I wasn’t me
You weren’t you
And what I wanted always came second

Criticism
I was never enough
Skinny enough
Funny enough
Cool enough
Sexy enough
Pretty enough
I was never enough.
Enough enough enough.

The bed
I see it
With my mother by my side
Sleeping… or not.
I cried every night.

The couch
I sat there
Doctor watching my every move
I cried, couldn’t help it.
I was out of control.

A chair.
A different office.
I’m sitting there
Another doctor by my side.
The pills
I need them
To make me feel whole.

My friends
They were there
To help me pick up the pieces.
My soul
Was crushed
I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel love again.

Anxiety.
Depression.
OCD.
Insomnia.
Control.
A whole huge disgusting mess.

One month.
Two month.
The tears finally stopped.
Three months.
Six months.
I realize now that the love that I wanted
Was something you could never give me.

A new man, I met him
His touch left my skin ablaze
My feelings for him
Are something I would never feel with you
Comfort
I’m me.
When we’re together, my soul flies and I feel like I’m OK
No judgement
Just laughter.
A cuddle to my favorite stuffed animal and you just roll your eyes
Falling asleep with our lips together,
And it scares me half to death.

A kiss on my forehead
And I’m completely breathless
Its hurts
Trying to open myself up to him
When I’m so used to being closed.

But you, you stay with me
Even when I want you gone.
The anger
The resentment
I don’t know if I’ll ever fully get rid of you.
A stab to my heart
I fear its permanent.

I’ve been told you never forget your first love
I hope that’s not true.
Hindsight is always 20/20.
That wasn’t love at all.

written by j. schoenthal.

5-3-12.

Tagged: poetry